22 Weeks

I know it's been a while. I can't say that I'm at a "loss" for words but really, my heart's been so steady and peaceful it's just hard to spout off like I can other times. The biggest development in my life? I quit working. And I could go on and on and on about that, and perhaps I will sometime, but it's been an enormous blessing. The weeks are passing so quickly, so joyously, so comfortably, and it's been absolutely priceless.

I have a very special love for you, you know. It's not particularly giddy. If I'm giddy about anything, it's the fact that the last installment of the Harry Potter films comes out in a mere two more weeks - I may cry more at the end of that than at the end of my pregnancy. (You'll understand someday ...) But what I feel for you is too serious to be giddy about. It's too cerebral, too real, and too sobering.

This is about so much more than cuddling your tiny, soft little body, more than chasing you around the yard, more than dressing you up for your first day of school (if I can even bring myself to put you in regular school.) All of that stuff is fine. But you're about to make me more aware of myself than perhaps I've ever been. If there's something I don't like about myself, it has to be fixed ... because I don't ever want you to observe that it's okay to settle for mediocrity when you don't have to.

I just can't be giddy about you. You are not my little toy doll. You are not a cute little pet to me. You are my child ... you are the next chapter in a new generation. You will grow up and you must grow up, even if it's sad to watch your squishy little arms turn into real tools of change. I love you too much to feel like I have some weird right to keep you caged.

God has plans for you, things He needs you to do and accomplish that will set the course for the rest of humankind. So listen to Him. Heck - listen to Him more than you listen to me and Dad!

And for a little practical advice -

My uterus? It's not a discoteque. You squirm and kick me like you're trying to break out or something! I love it, because I love knowing you're okay and happy and toasty warm in there. I don't love it so much when it just starts to feel like you're scraping against my insides.

Dad recently got to feel you too. You kicked him pretty good. And while lots of people out there would coo, "Oh, looks like someone is Daddy's baby!" I know the truth - you were just trying to get comfortable, responding to your surroundings. You're not aware of much, but you are aware of more than we could ever imagine at the same time. I'll try hard not to label you, put words in your mouth, make you wear stupid onesies that say, "Mommy's princess," or something ...

... maybe I'll find you a "Mommy's little wizard" one ...

I love you, kidlet. Have a good day in there. Kick me all you want.

14 Weeks, 4 days.

Today is Mother's Day. Last Wednesday, I turned twenty-five. A couple of days before that, this guy (you'll have no idea who he is, but we'll tell you about him later) named Osama bin Laden got killed and the whole world was in an uproar about that. Yeah, it's been a crazy few weeks.

I haven't written to you much. I haven't even taken a picture of my belly since you were really, really little. To be honest, I've been pretty exhausted. As my love for you grows, several bits and pieces of reality keep hitting me. The main one is how, once you're finally here (as in, out of my belly, because of course, you're here) that "maternity leave" thing won't last for very long ... I won't get to stay home with you. That's really, really bothering me.

I'm trying not to let it, though. So I'm going to stop talking about it now. It's, how they say, a bridge we'll cross when we get there.

Anyway, I just wanted to give you a quick hello. You squirm a lot now, at least every few days anyway. You feel like a little goldfish, and it's kinda neat, but weird at the same time. It's like, I want you to squirm so I know you're okay, but at the same time I wish it didn't tickle the way it does!

I'm sure you already know this but your name is Evelynn and your dad and I call you Evy. If by some crazy turn of events you end up being a boy, your name is Elliott. And I'll probably call you Ellie, even when you're a grown man with a beard like your dad's.

7 Weeks, 5 days

Good morning my little martian, doubling my blood volume and making me feel as though I'm constantly just stepping off a roller coaster. How are you today? No really, I'm curious. The Lord keeps me calm about it mostly but I'd certainly like to hear from you. Got enough folic acid? Am I drinking to much soda? Enough water? Does it bother you that I still sleep on my stomach?

Driving to work today, I saw a red-winged black bird. They're so pretty. There are a lot of things you'll probably really like about Earth. God's an incredible artist (I mean, His latest work of art is YOU, after all) and uses such pretty colors for the sky and the trees ...

... yes, there are plenty of things I think you'll enjoy here. The first place my mind goes is to the zoo. I know that's funny, but I love the zoo. God made sooo many cool animals! And you can't even find all of them there, at the zoo! Deep in the ocean there are thousands, if not millions of different organisms doing so many different things. There are squishy bug-like things and big scary squids ... all with a job to do. Though I think God did just make a couple of them because He was bored and wanted to make something else pretty.

You'll also meet a lot of really nice people, people who leave their whole lives behind to serve as missionaries in other countries and people who don't mind being five minutes late to work if it means helping a little old lady cross the street. There are doctors who save lives and people like my cousin Ken, who fight on behalf of our country (and other countries) to make sure people stay safe.

But you know, there are a few things here on Earth that aren't that pretty.

There are lots of people out there who only care about themselves ... they may not even realize that's the truth, but it is. They hurt people's feelings, and take things that aren't theirs to take.

There are people out there who are just angry. They don't think before they speak. They feel that the world owes them something, that their children owe them something.

If you do go to public school, you might find that some of your classmates get kicked out of their houses sometimes, or are always fighting with their moms and dads ... that's if they even have both a mom and a dad.

I want you to think about both sides of life here on Earth, little martian. You have to understand that it's not always sunshine and unicorns (like it must have been in heaven ... except of course, for the unicorns ...)

... still, for some reason you went ahead and told God, "Alright, I'm ready! Got a mom and a dad ... time to go start growing so I can come out and meet them." You must have known what you were getting yourself into!

Realize that you can be part of the world that is beautiful and good. We aren't supposed to invest much in this world, but the Lord had a purpose for putting us in the world. That purpose was to serve Him here, and to reflect Him here. He knows there's a lot of yucky stuff happening right here, right on His creation ... so, He asks us to help keep it all in check.

I can't wait to take you to the zoo, or to the beach, or camping ... I can't wait for you to meet all the great people in our lives. I want you to know and take in all of God's goodness.

But I don't want you to be afraid to ask us about the bad stuff, either. Dad and I are really honest folks, you know, and we won't sugarcoat anything ... but I hope you can learn from us, too, and learn that, while we do have to exist here for a time, God can still use us to change lives for the better. That's why we're here. To do God's will. (Even when it's hard!)

Alright my little martian ... you sure are funny-looking today. I can't wait until you're bigger and you just look like a teeny, skinny, baby doll. I especially can't wait for you to start kicking me in the gut. All I ask is that you stay away from my full bladder and from my stomach after Thai Smile ...

Week 7

Well, you've been with us for seven weeks, today! (Technically it's more like four or five, but I like how the doctor counts it better.) Your heart should be beating now! How crazy to think I have *two* hearts in me at this moment! (And two livers, and four kidneys, and ...)

I think everyone in the world knows about you. I can't keep my mouth shut. I've told all my students at work and even a few strangers! So far, everyone's been happy. Grandma Morgan's the only one who had a ... well, a weird reaction ... but she's happy now. And Grandpapa said he was happy to be getting a grandbaby before he dies, haha. He's so silly.

How am I feeling, you ask? Pretty okay. I'm still sleepy and hating that I have to come to work every day instead of stay home, do chores, and nap, nap, nap. Not sure what exactly you're doing in there but you are taking all of Mom's energy and that is not cool! On second though, take all you'd like ... knock me out! Whatever you need to grow and be healthy.

I have to apologize for the fact that I am still drinking a little caffeine and aspartame. I'm really trying to make better choices but I realize now that I simply have to drink a little caffeine in the morning in order to function properly during the day. If this is just not something we can compromise on, let me know. Just send me a little note, or something. (Nothing scary. Maybe tell God to tell me ... you still get to kinda visit with Him, right?)

I am also trying to eat as healthily as I can ... lots of greens and lots of protein ... but for the past two days you have not let me get baked potato out of my head. I would happily swim in a big pool of baked potato, with sour cream and cheese and chives and bacon bits ... yum-tastic. Good Heavens.

My pants are a little tight but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this is not you. It's the baked potato.

Let's see ... any lessons for you today ...

... well, I can tell you something I'm going to promise you!

I promise to let you have choices. If you want to paint your room black, I'll help you. If you want to dress up like a clown and go to school, as long as you aren't breaking any rules or hurting anyone's feelings, go right ahead. I promise to remind you that you are fearfully and wonderfully made ... I will remind you of that thing that God has asked me to remind you of, that He doesn't make mistakes ... He does everything purposefully, from the last hair on your head down to your pinky toe. You are perfect and in Christ you are made flawless. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Trust me, I'm going to be a boring, lecture-y kinda mom ... but I promise never to give you lectures about negative things.

At least I'll try hard. And feel free to respectfully speak up if I'm not doing very well.

Finally, I'll leave you with this -

Last night, Dad started tickling me in his sleep! When he was done, he hugged me and said, "I love you guys." In the morning I asked if he remembered doing that and he didn't.

I think he's really excited to meet you. Even when he's not awake he's thinking of you.

I love you, Evy Sweet. (And if it's you, Ellie, I love you like crazy, too.) You know you're lovely to me. I'll do everything I can to be sure you grow up knowing that.

That's another thing - yes, you'll probably be tenderest and sweetest as a baby (oh, goodness, that sounds like I was talking about eating you ... ) but you should know, it's okay for you to grow up. I want you to grow up. I'll be crazy in love with you and your teeny fingers and soft little eye lashes ... but I'll be so proud of you and excited about watching you fly away when you grown up. Because the world needs you, sweetheart!

Hello!

What were we thinking?

Your dad's head is on a bit straighter than mine, though I suppose we each excel at different things in other ways.

It didn't take a lot of throwing caution to the unpredictable wind, but at least now your mom knows she isn't broken and your dad is pretty sure he's some kind of superhero.

I'm sure you aren't interested in knowing this kind of thing, but for posterity's sake, my, erm, monthly visitor didn't show at her usual appointed time which sent me into a shivering, praying frenzy. I made it to work without losing sight of the road but I was only there for about an hour before I popped back up out of my desk and ran to the drug store for a test.

I sat in my car for a second trying to figure out if I should test in the Food and Fuel bathroom or the McDonald's bathroom ... I couldn't do it back at work, at the school. Too weird. I decided that, if you were here, I'd hate to tell you later on that I found out I was pregnant in a dirty gas station bathroom. Paw-Paw lives in the same town as my work and he always told me I could go over there during the day if I needed anything, so I took him up on that offer and decided to test there.

Waiting for the results to show up was agonizing, and when the second line started to show up it honestly just looked like a shadow. I didn't believe it. Until, of course, it started to turn pink. I don't think I said anything ... I might have whispered, "Oh my gosh," a few times.

I went back outside and sat in my car outside Paw Paw's house. The first person I called was Lori, but she wasn't there, so I took a picture of the test and sent it to her. Next I called Andrea, followed by a call to Sarah, and then a text to Emily. They were all excited, excited, excited. Then I told one co-worker at school, a lady named Kim, and one co-worker from my company. Her name is Heidi. Last but definitely not least, I told my friend Megan in Alaska. All of them were very ecstatic for me, and promised to keep my secret as well as serve as a female support group in the event anything were to go wrong and you decided not to join our family after all.

That was perhaps the longest day of work I've ever endured! I couldn't wait to get home and tell Dad.

When the day was finally over, I drove home and found Dad playing video games with our friend and roommate Jason. I had no problem with Jason knowing about you, but I wanted to let Dad decide if Jason should know or not, so I was hoping that I'd be able to talk to Dad alone.

I leaned up against him on the couch and he put his arm around me. He continued to play his video games, and in the meantime, I texted him from where I sat right next to him. "I need to talk to you alone."

He texted back, "Why?"

I replied with, "Don't be daft, boy!"

After some nudging on his behalf I discreetly showed him the picture I'd taken of the test on my phone. He finally paused the game.

"Are you serious? No. You're joking. Is that real? Seriously? This is a joke isn't it? Do you know for sure? How do you know? This is a joke!"

Jason had no idea what was going on, so Dad told me I could go ahead and show Jason my phone ... and then the three of us had the craziest, cheesiest grins ever.

Dad could not stop kissing me and hugging me and smiling and telling me he was happy!

There was a lot of auxiliary chatter and Jason treated us to dinner at Puerto Vallarta. (He was on a diet at the time and decided to cheat on it, just for you!)

After dinner, we went to Great-Grandpa's church. Grandma was in the youth church, so we went to look for her. When we found her we took her into the worship room alone and made her close her eyes and hold out her hands.

Earlier that week, Grandma had loaned me $20 for gas, so she thought I was putting the $20 in her hands to pay her back. But instead, I put the test in her hands. She opened her eyes and squealed! She kept saying, "No! Oh my gosh, really!?" in disbelief. Her squeal made me laugh but kinda startled me too, so I jumped behind your dad. He asked me why I was hiding!

Needless to say, Grandma was super happy. So next we wanted to tell Great-Grandma and Great-Grandpa. We found them at home, and Great-Grandma was on the computer. We did the same thing to them, asking them to close their eyes, and Great-Grandma opened her hands.

But she did NOT want to play that game. She kept trying to peek because she thought we were going to put a bug in her hand or something! So Grandma had to put her hands over her eyes, and when we finally put the test in her hands she squealed and jerked away!

Then they opened their eyes and Great-Grandma took a look at what she was holding, realizing that it was not a bug or anything gross, after all. In fact she said, "What is this ... a thermometer?"

We laughed pretty hard at that before she realized that we'd handed her the test.

Great-Grandma was very happy and Great-Grandpa kept saying, "Well isn't that something."

We spent some time together and then Great-Grandpa prayed over us, to remind God that we believed that everything would be okay, and that you would stay with us and come join our family toward the end of the year.

Dad told your Paw Paw and my wonderful Bri-mom over the phone. Paw Paw was speechless, Dad says, literally speechless. Bri-mom squealed, though! (There was a lot of squealing among the Gliddens and Heltons this day.) They were also so happy for us, and promised not to tell Uncle James or Uncle Thomas, since Uncle Thomas went to school where I worked and we wanted to wait awhile before word got around with my students that you were en route.

I haven't told my mom or dad yet, but I'm thinking of something extra special for them. I don't want to wait too long though! I'm excited. And I know I should wait until you've been with me a little longer, but I just want everyone I know to cheer you on and pray like crazy so that you'll grow, grow, and grow!

My thought for you today?

When you pray, it's okay to pray for yourself ... but always pray for others too, and pray for others with your whole entire heart. Be willing to sacrifice for others. Tell God that you know who He is, tell Him that you know He never changes ... because He made us in His image, and He loves and cares for us so much ... so we should love and care for others in the same way. Never forget that.

Little love, this is going to be hard. It's a big change. I want to be a perfect mom, and I know I won't be, but if I can't be a perfect mom, I hope that in all my imperfections, you are still a really, really happy kiddo.

But at the same time, you know ... it's easier to be a happy kiddo than it is to be a well adjusted, happy adult. So that's my biggest wish for you. I hope your Dad and I can manage to do things in such a way that you feel safe, even when you grow up and move away. We don't want you to need anything but Jesus to be happy.

Financially, we're worried. Dad is still in school full-time so I'm the only one who makes money, and it'll be that way for a while ... things will be tight. But I'm crazy if I honestly thing that we won't be provided for. That's something we hope you'll see. We hope we can show you how good God is, and how much He just wants to shower us and care for us.

Anyway, that's all for now. You're only about the size of a poppy seed today and next week, I think you're scheduled to be the size of a blueberry or something. I'm just excited for you to have little eyes and fingers ... even if you still kinda look like an extra-terrestrial insect ... you're mine.

Once you get past the awkward, extra-terrestrial insect phase, you'll start to look more like you ...

... while you're in there, can you try your best to get yourself to look like Dad? He's the good looking one of the two of us. If you can do that, you'll be set for life. Just saying.